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April showers bring... more May showers, apparently.

So, a lot has happened in the past few weeks.  Some happy, some sad, some irritating, some mind-numbingly boring. I will try to put everything down here, so you can also have some mind-numbingly boring stuff happen to you, as well.

First, as the title of this post implies, it has been raining here like a cow pissing on a rock (to borrow a phrase from an ex-boyfriend, who was describing the weather in San Francisco right after he moved there).  Usually, by this time in May, we have our garden planted and are able to spend some time on our patio enjoying the beautiful weather.  This year, however, we'll have maybe one or two days where it's not 46 degrees and raining.  Why?!  What in the name of Al Gore have I done to you, Planet Earth!  (Besides driving a gas guzzling SUV to drive 2 miles to work and also stop recycling my glass because they moved the bins so now they're more than 1/2 block away)?  Cut it out, right now!

Secondly, we had to put Lucy down.  That's still kind of hard for me to talk about, so I'm just going to say I'll write an entire post about it later and we'll call it good for now.  Aight?

Third, I turned thirty-fucking-six last week.  How?  Why?  Whaaaa happened?  For my birthday present, Joel got me a Dyson cordless stick-vac.  I'm not ashamed to say that the first night we met, I brought it home and made sweet, sweet love to it and it's many attachments.  Ok, not really, but we totally tongue-kissed.  I cannot stress to you how much I love this vacuum, you guys.  There are no words to express my deep and abiding love for it.  One of my favorite parts is when I'm using it and the dogs get all worked up and start attacking it.  That is a pretty goddamn awesome side benefit.

Last night we had a dinner for a project I've been working on for the Women Lawyers of Utah.  It all came off very well and I think I need to write a more specific post about this, too.  It was a huge project, for which I was mainly in charge of merging letters and envelopes because I have mad MS-Word skillz, gained from my illustrious career as a secretary in my early 20s.  I also made nametags, again, because I know how to enter the right Avery label number in the label program. 

Funny story about that, though, I was trying to figure out how to print the text over a jpeg in each label and I finally did it, but put the computer away because it was kind of late.  Turns out, you probably won't remember much about how to do shit like that when you're a little tipsy, so you'll have to figure it out all over again the next morning.  Did I say that story was funny?  I meant "extremely dull."  Sorry, I always get those two things confused.

Until next time, dear reader, when I shall again regale you with delightful anecdotes from my very exciting and action-packed life... who am I kidding, I'm probably going to write about poop. 

Guess What?

Chicken butt.  Ha!  Gotcha!

So, recently, I've discovered a new potato snack that is tasty AND "healthy."  I actually am unaware of any health benefits related to eating any kind of potato product, so I can't actually say they are good for you.  However, an entire bag of these things is only 360 calories.  That means you can eat an entire bag for dinner and not feel guilty about it!  You might feel guilty that you're a grown-up person eating a bag of snack chips for dinner, but at least you won't be a fat grown-up person eating an entire bag of snack chips for dinner.  Ok, here's the big reveal.  Behold, the glory that is popchips:

 
I just licked my computer screen.  Don't judge me.

You guys!  Serious.  These are awesome and if you are not eating them on a regular basis, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  If only I had known about these last week when I went to Las Vegas and bought a bag of vanilla/caramel roasted almonds to snack on, and then proceeded to eat the entire bag, which contained over 900 calories, while sitting in my rental car waiting for my hearing to start.  If you're going to just sit in a car and absentmindedly stuff snack food in your gaping maw, better it be something that won't make it impossible for you to fit in the airplane seat on the way home, no?

If you are in the Salt Lake area and want to pick some of this manna from heaven for yourself, I have only found them at the Smith's Marketplace downtown and the Smith's grocery on 8th South and 8th East.  Mind you, these are really the only stores I go to on a regular basis, so they could be all over the place.  I just don't know.

There are seven different flavors: Plain, BBQ, Salt and Pepper, Salt and Vinegar, Cheddar, Sour Cream and Onion, and Parmesan Garlic.  I have tried the plain, S&P, S&V, and sour cream.  I have loved them all, except I found the pepper flavor in the S&P to be a bit overwhelming.  I haven't even seen the Parmesan Garlic flavor here, but I have a feeling I would just strap the bag on like a feedbag and go to town.

So, if you're looking for something tasty that won't cause the button on your pants to fly off, possibly causing someone grievous bodily harm, try the popchips.  Then try to stop eating them, because I think that might actually be impossible.  You're welcome.

This Is Why I'm Hot Weird.

Yeah, I'm watching Matlock right now. That's reason Numero Uno! Yes, Matlock was popular with old ladies in 1986, and now it's popular with ancient ladies who are lying in their hospital beds yelling at the nurse to "Turn up the volume because Ican't hear the Matlock and also change my diapers!"  But, it's also popular with me!  So popular, in fact, that I don't tell my DVR to record the series, I search for each episode and manually record it.  Now, before you ask, I don't know why I love Matlock.  It just IS.  Like the moon, or Kim Kardashian's ass (which can be the same thing under certain circumstances).  Hey-Oh!

Another reason I'm weird tonight is because I ate cheese for dinner.  I went to a lawyer thing after work and they had some finger-foods, but not the good kind (like chicken fingers).  They had some weird potatoe tarte squares with red pepper something and nut-stuffed dates (totally not what it sounds like.  They are actual dates with some kind of nut stuffed inside.  What?) wrapped in bacon.  Ok, so, first of all, BACON.  Secondly, I didn't know there were nuts in there and I thought I broke a tooth!  False alarm: it was some kind of nut.

But back to the cheese: so I came home from the thing and I thought, "I'm going to make some bacon for dinner." Then, when I went to get the bacon from the fridge, I saw my cheese and I was like, "Hmmm... cheese or bacon?"  Guess what I chose?  CHEESE!  Sorry for any of you who bet on bacon.  Normally that is a 100% sure thing, but cooking bacon tonight was just not in the cards.  I hope you didn't lose too much.  Who eats cheese for dinner?  Toddlers and Carrie, which, incidentally is an awesome name for a new show on TLC. 

Ok, so here is what I originally set out to write about: I'm weird because I don't like people I don't know.  Or, more specifically, I don't like when people I don't know think that they know me.  For example, I don't like when I go somewhere enough that people know what I'm going to order before I do it.  One time, a cashier at the liquor store said, "Have a nice day, Carrie" and I didn't go back to that store for more than six months.  I don't even think she actually knew my name; she got it from my drivers license.  But just the thought that she knew me scared me enough to hide from her for six months!  I still avoid her line when I go there!

I don't know why this bothers me so much.  I suppose it's part of my social anxiety.  I don't like to stick out.  I just want to blend in and make sure that the only people who know my bidness are people I want involved in my bidness.  Even if it's just a barista at Starbuck's knowing that I want a carmel macchiato.  Just let me order my sugary coffee drink and go!  I don't want to talk to you about your children when I pick up my prescription!  Yes, I see you like a million times a month, but just act like you don't know that I'm taking crazy pills!

This might come as a surprise to my friends, because I do seem very outgoing.  But I HATE meeting new people because I'm so horrible at small talk!  I'm so awkward and I feel like people don't get me, and then I'll say something that seems really strange and everyone is like "....."  Also, did I mention I'm awkward?  Because I am.  Joel thinks this is really funny.  Not like in a "HAH!" way, but in a "I have married a crazy person" way.  Sucks to be Joel!

So, if you don't know me and you see me on the street, just walk on by.  And, yes, I realize that I will have no way of knowing whether people know who I am, but are honoring my request to ignore me, or whether they are just people who don't know me.  We're just all going to pretend that you don't know me and we'll call it good, ok?  Ok!

Unless I'm drunk.  Because then I'm awesome and I'll talk your ear off about shit you don't care about and it won't matter because: it will be awesome and you will love it.  And then, the next time we're at a party, you'll come up to talk to me and I'll talk about the last episode of Matlock I saw, and you'll think I'm weird.

You can't handle this reality

For the past little while, my boss has been trying to convince us that our office should be the subject of a reality show.  Now, keep in mind that this likely could not happen due to that whole Attorney-Client privilege problem, stupid rules of ethics.  BUT if you could find a way around that, I think it would be a bigger hit than Jersey Shore. 

Sure, we aren't buff or tan or Italian (but, to be fair, most of those meat heads on that show aren't Italian, either) or on steroids or borderline retarded, and none of us wears Ed Hardy or pretends to "write books".  However, what we can bring to the table is this: Shitloads of crazy.  Not the bad kind of crazy, the awesome kind.  Now, don't get me wrong; I LOVE my office and everyone in it.  But I think we have just the perfect amount of crazy reality-show archetypes that would make it a hit.

• Sassy African American Woman: Being in Utah, African Americans are in short supply, so this might be a problem.  However, we do have other sassy people in our office that could handily fulfill this requirement.


• Young and Naïve: We do have our fair share of very young people working in the office.  There are people here who were born in 1989 and 1990, when I was a freshman in high school.  If you think I didn't go home and weep when I found out about this, you would be mistaken.  In any case, they are really sweet girls and I think they would be able to counter-balance the cynical and sarcastic nature of some people (named Carrie) in our office. 


• Party Animal: I believe we have a few of these in the office, too.  Listening to their exploits makes me want to go to the tired hospital.  However, it also reminds me of when I was younger and could start getting ready to go out at 10:00 AT NIGHT.  It might help in their portrayl of these roles if we allowed them to start drinking at work.  While bad for productivity, I think it would be reality-television gold.


• Drama Queen: I can honestly say that this is one reality show character that, luckily, we don't have to put up with much in our office.  But here's the thing: there are seven attorneys working here.  Seven attorneys who are mostly very well-balanced and rational people.  There are times, however, when one or more of the attorneys freaks out over something they perceive to be a huge deal (whether or not it actually is (hint: it's usually not)) and unfortunately for all involved, we can get a little drama-queeny.  So, yeah, I think we got that part covered.


• Peacemaker: She is the consummate professional, handling all comments and complaints with such diplomatic aplomb that she makes Gandhi want to punch her in the face.  Luckily, we have a couple such people in our office and they make the drama-queeny moments that we might experience a little less difficult. 


• Smartass: This character would be one we have in spades here around our office.  We are seriously funny people.  I like to think, though, that I am the smartassiest of the bunch.  I have no doubts that I would be our office's break-out star; our Snooki, as it were, but with less hair, a more natural skin tone, less bling, breasts that are proportionate to my body, no STDs, and a brain.  I'm not saying this to be conceited or anything, but, I mean, come on!  I'm delightful!  I would have to watch my mouth, though, because I can bring the swears at work like you wouldn't believe.

All in all, I think we can do it! How much worse could it be than the Real Housewives of New Jersey, or Jerseylicious, or any other reality television show set in New Jersey.  Or those cake shows.  What's that about?  I think the only thing we are missing is a midget and, believe you me, I am working on that.

Yeah, so...

Has it almost been an entire year since I posted anything?  I believe it has.  I expected to come here and find some tumbleweeds blowing through an Old Western Ghost Town, like the one in that Brady Bunch episode where they go to the Grand Canyon and then they're put in jail (?) and I think this was when Cousin Oliver had been added to the cast and he was just horrible, right?  Of course, right!

I have been inspired, though, to blog again because of this awesome blog right here: Hyperbole and a Half.  This girl is hilarious and she has many good stories that have been distracting me from doing actual work all week.

Just to catch you up on the past year, I have: gone to Europe, tried out the Listen Up!, drunk wine, made hard cider, cooked a ham, drunk wine, watched almost the entire series of "Murder, She Wrote", gotten a new car, and adopted two dogs.  All of these are totally true!

I have not: won a million dollars, learned to teach new dogs how to not pee in the house (and Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, please someone get them to stop peeing in the house), had a baby, died, and showered.  I will let you all try to figure out which one of these is a lie.

And, so you know, the Listen Up! didn't work, like, at all.  It did, however, ensure that I could hear myself breathing, which is not really what it was supposed to do, but I guess it could be helpful in certain situations.  Like, if I died, I could use it to hear that I actually wasn't breathing, thereby confirming my death for myself.  It definitely did not allow me to hear my neighbors talking shit about me.  No, the bugs I've placed in all of their homes has really done a much better job than the Listen Up!, in that respect.

And, I'm spent.  To keep you entertained until next year, here are some photos that have amused me lately:

A list of names I would not want

In my line of work I see a lot of names.  Sometimes I see a name and I think: I am so glad I have my name and not a name like:

• Ho
• Balzack
• Balls
• Matsubara (this is because I had to read it 3 times before I realized it had nothing to do with masturbation)
• Dickman
• Glasscox
• Smelley
• Brodeigh
• Brynleigh
• Bradeigh
• Brayleigh

Those last 4 are the actual names that someone I know gave to their kids.  THEIR OWN KIDS.  Can you imagine hating your child so much that you would do that to them?  The hell?

I'm sure there will be more, so I will start another list, but please feel free to add to this one as I can't be everywhere and see everything, no matter how hard I try.

Oh. My. God.

I have no words to express my feelings about this:

This is what heaven looks like in my head.

It's a dwarf theme park in China where they dress up and dance and do funny shit and it sounds amazing, no?  Now, if you read that story above, it seems to say that having a dwarf theme park is a bit exploitative but this story and this story says they're ok with it!  And why wouldn't they be?  They get to wear awesome costumes:

See?  ANGELS!

I can't believe that this has been around since last September and this is the first I'm hearing of it.  Thanks go out to Scram who saw this story on the Today Show this morning and immediately texted me about it because, even though we don't talk much anymore, she knows that I have an everlasting love of everything midget and midget-related.  While I am sad that I can't see it in person right now, just the fact that it's out there makes me feel all warm inside.  

Odds and Ends

First off, I must apologize for not yet following through on the inaugural "Carrie Buys It" item, the Listen up.  For some unknown reason, the As Seen on TV website hasn't processed my order, nor am I aware that they have even received my order.  I will try to order it again or see if they have one down to the Walgreen's.  I think I really need one, too, because I can't hear a thing my husband says.  So, I'm either deaf or he mumbles every single word he speaks.  I'm partial to think it's his problem, but I'm sure he begs to differ.

Secondly, I think we are going to get BEES! but it won't be until next year because our back yard is in need of some major TLC and it's just not ready to house a bunch of bees.  We were out there yesterday and it is just a mess, you guys.  It looks like a bamboo bomb went off and the bamboo bomb was full of dog crap and gross old leaves.  We wanted to get some kind of wood chipper but they are super expensive.  Did you know this?  They are like $800 AND HUGE.  They have smaller, electric models that aren't as powerful, which is what we'll end up getting.  Until then, if you need bamboo, dog crap, or leaves, you know who to call.

Finally, I saw an article on-line today that had examples of the dumbest inventions ever.  There are a few, however, with which I disagree.  For example:

Busy as a Bee

So, busy week, you guys.  Last week I spent most of the week writing an appeal.  This week, I'm spending most of the week writing an appeal.  Next week: nothing!  Well, I have a hearing.  And it's our anniversary.  Three whole years and Joel is still putting up with me.  And they said it couldn't be done.  By "they" I mean my family.  Have I told you how they thank Joel for taking me off their hands?  Literally, they THANK HIM for marrying me.  As well they should.  I'm horrible to live with.

Now that it's starting to move towards Spring (thank all that is holy) I am starting to think about our yard. We don't really have a front yard.  It's a couple of big flowerbeds and I, having never owned a house or yard or flowerbed, have no idea how to care for it.  The people who owned our house before we did were gardeners and we... well, we are not.  No, that's not exactly true.  I am not.  I want to be, but I have been known to kill cacti before.  These plants that can live in the unforgiving heat of the desert will be killed by my complete ineptitude at caring for plants.

Joel, however, has had gardens and flowers and all of that before.  His family is very interested in flowers and plants and the Earth and shit.  Last year we had a pretty cool garden.   We had tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, yellow squash, and some cantaloupes (which I grew on a trellis and which were also AWESOME). This year we're going to have tomatoes (of course), garlic, peas, cucumbers, acorn squash, onions, and, perhaps, BEES!

Joel has been talking about getting a beehive and raising bees since last summer after we visited his brother in Portland.  Honestly, I wasn't too sure about how I felt about it, but I love me some honey, so I'm willing to do it.  Apparently, it's expensive, but there are some companies that will allow you to keep their beehive on your property and then you get to have all of the benefits of bees without the hassle of having all of that delicious honey.  Imagine that! 

Any concerns about raising bees?  I know I got stung on the forehead once and I swelled up like the Elephant Man, but everything I'm hearing is that bees are our friends and if the bees die, WE ALL DIE.  So, really, we'd just be doing our part to save the planet.  I mean, we don't really recycle, so we have to do something, right?  What say you, internets?  Should we raise some baby bees?  Or should we just let the entire Earth turn into a giant desert, devoid of flowers?  Either way, I'm bound to kill whatever grows, so I'm good.

You guys, for reals, Lost is back

and I haven't a clue what is going on.  We didn't watch the catch-up episode that they showed.  I mean, what for?  It's only been, like, 10 months since the last season ended and it's not like I have a problem remembering to feed my cat or, I don't know, why I got up from my chair and walked into the other room.  Oh wait, I DO have those problems.  In SPADES.

Ok, here's where I warn you that there are ****SPOILERS**** (unless you saw this week's episode, because I haven't watched it, and also unless all of a sudden I know what the hell I'm talking about)

Alls I know is, Sayid got shot (By whom?  When did that happen?  These are questions I am too lazy to google.)  Jacob got all burnt up by someone, but I can't remember if it was John Locke (who, apparently, is the smoke monster?) or Ben.  I think it was Ben, but it could have been anyone, really.  How should I know?  And then everyone is on the beach and John's dead body is out there with them and they're all like "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" or something and... what was I talking about?  I have no Earthly idea.

And now there are two story lines: the normal one where the crash happened and one where the crash never happened.  Wha?  The entire episode Joel and I would ask each other what the hell was going on and the answer, invariably, was "Why for are you asking me?  I don't even know if they're speaking English."  It's the same every damn year.  Yet every year, I tune in and watch every episode and I'm still just completely flabbergasted about what the hell is happening on this show.  I love it.

Most of the time for me, it's fairly easy to guess what's going to happen in a movie or on a TV show.  This is because, since the dawn of Matlock, I've been watching mysteries or police procedurals and, really, there's not too much variation that takes place.  It was either the husband or the business partner or the mistress or the wife.  So, having a show like this where I have no clue as to what is happening or what will happen next is kind of nice.

The only thing predictable about Lost, for me at least, is that at the end I'll yell "God DAMMIT!!" and shake my fist at the TV.  Well, that and the fact that I won't be able to tell you anything about any episode except that Hurley is the fat one, Jack is f'ing hot, and Sawyer gives people nicknames.  And did I say Jack was hot?  I can't remember.